Mass Confusion: Stuck Between the Past and the Future

2009.08.30

Its hurricane season, but the storms are brewing far from the tropics.


Ive been through a battery of thought processes and as I prepare for bed, they are nowhere near the end. So many thoughts and emotions swim around my curly head and I’m winded just trying to keep up with one. Between my job, my mother, Bryan, my life now, and what’s to come in the future, and the ‘Ignant shit’ I deal with everyday, I shouldve been committed a very long time ago. I’m scared, tired, confused, worried, angry, and the worst part is that I’m not sure where to properly place all of these emotions.

I’m scared of a lot of things at this point in my life. I just turned 23 less than two months ago, and I feel like I’ve lost so much time. I’ve been stuck in Texas for the past 4 years, kicking and screaming to desperately get away. I dont know if there is a reason anymore that I belong here, since the reason I ‘thought’ I was here, no longer is. How will I ever survive in a place that is sucking the life out of me, mentally physically, emotionally, and creatively? I can probably cound on one hand the things I WONT do to get out of this place. I say all of this to say: ‘I’m scared of being unsuccessful’. I have one million and one ideas running through my head daily, and I feel like one of them has to get me to the life I deserve to have. I’m not saying I need to be filthy rich with a penthouse on the Upper East Side.. While that would be lovely, I truly want to just be happy. And while my ideality of happiness is being with someone that I can share happiness with, its not required for the desired effect. On the other hand, that does lead me to my second fear: I’m scared of ending up alone. I’ve been single for as long as I’ve been old enough to count, and that’s now going on eight years. I’ve been through my share of ‘high dramar’ and out of everyone I’ve met, I can only really say that there’s only one person that I can see myself with. And that’s one of the main sources of my anger. I’ve decided that there is really no sense in beating myself up over such a pointless battle. I really just need to let go. But that’s where things get tricky. I cant. I don’t know if its because he’s the first person who could possibly give me all that I needed, or that my emotional needs have taken control of my sense of logic, but it has to stop! And im getting interference from Jonathan, and its really causing a whirlwind of bad feelings, mixed signals, and lot of rage. I’m literally stuck between the past and the future, and can’t see shit in the present.

Speaking of the present…

There has never been a time where I have felt more inadequate in my life. I can’t understand this because I’ve come so far, and done so much in the past few years that its a bit late for the inferiority complex. But I do. Prime example:

A couple of weeks ago, I ran across a really interesting person on Twitter, and we seemed to have a lot in common. And it seems that we have more and more in common every day. But, recently, I’ve been feeling like I still dont ‘match’. And not just with him. With everyone. In the world of black and white, I was magenta. I share plenty of common interests with the people that I know, and somehow, I still feel out of place. If ever there was a way to be ‘too unique’, I was it. This could be me being overly anal, but I think I don’t have enough in common with everyone. I have managed to know alot about a little bit of everything, and that causes me to run out of subject matter on one topic, or have too much in the other. Whatever the case may be, I end up changing circles of friends way too often because im simply put, too multi faceted.

And then there’s the anger.

Lately, I find myself being plagued by Stupid Ass People. For whatever reason, these idiots make my life more of a living hell by doing things that make no sense whatsoever. Or, there are those who seem to have a problem with whatever it is that I do. Why can’t people ever understand that I am human? I have bad days (unfortunately more bad than good recently) and I have the right to drop a few F-Bombs here and there, when I DAMN WELL PLEASE. I am old enough to pay bills, go to work and deal with everyday bullshit, but for me to let off a little steam, the legal way mind you, is inappropriate? And that includes but not limited to, talking shit about people, through my own personal medium and not be persecuted about it. As far as I know, none of that is against the law. (On planet Earth) If you don’t like something I have to say about something, I’m not really sure what to tell you. I’m sorry you feel that way, but there’s not much you can do about it. Everyone is always concerned about what I say or do, but no one ever stops to think about the reasons for my actions. If you get your heads out of your asses long enough to stop trying to censor my every word, you’ll realize that I am a very angry person inside. Its not a a permanent situation, so I’d suggest that you do all you can to help fix the issue, instead of making it worse.

At the end of writing all of this, I think that most of my disfunction comes from overthinking and overanalyzing everything. It could be just a result of being overstimulated without the proper outlets.

 

Categories : 'Vicariosity'

The Shit I Go Through…

2009.08.25

I’m sitting at work, finishing up some reports, listening to classic Chante Moore (like, her FIRST album) and thinking about how the hell things always seem to happen to me.

So far, over the past week, I got a new computer (which really aint all that ‘new’), made a new friend (who is AWESOME) , started a new project, finished one of my short stories, dodged a few connundrums at work , got an opportunity to move to California (that I had to turn down), andI think, I may have a crush on someone… (which I’m not ready to believe yet) And, effectively taken another step on the bridge that is OVER that number ‘Two’ person. (His loss,not mine.)

But the best part about it, I was effectively able to get past it. For instance, when I found out that Apple wanted SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY dollars to repair my MacBook, I was on the verge of a meltdown, but thanks to X.D. I began to feel better about it. And then I have to remind myself that its not the end of the world. (while however, it could’ve been the end of almost a weeks pay. but I still have to remember the damn thing still works.)

So, at the end of the day, all is not lost. I still have a job, a computer, and im still alive. I guess this is just another lesson to myself when I fly off the deep end when a situation veers left. So, whenever I get the hell out of this office, I’ll go buy a bottle of wine, and some bath salts and forget today ever happened.

UPDATE: I thought about why I become so perturrbed by most of the things that go wrong in my life. I think that its a battle in the war between me and my perfectionist, ‘Perfect Patty’. We have been at each other for the better part of the year. I feel that everything should happen how it should happen, when it should happen, and there should be nothing going wrong in the midst. I have yet to figure out an effective method of dealing with Patty, and I’m hoping I do soon.

 

Categories : 'Vicariosity'

The Way I see It: Hoe Shit Is Never Praised.

2009.08.17

Why should you even get mad?

I’ve noticed that people are notorious for feeling some type of way about things said about them, but It never phases them when they’re doing the exact same thing to someone else. The way I see it: Weren’t you just caught in the hallway saying this that and the other about that other person? Why are you mad that the hoe shit made its way back around to you? My case rests.

(This is the part where you insert a situation that’s happened to you , because I don’t have the strength to list the countless episodes of my own.)

Its strange that I’ve noticed this double standard bullshit going ona lotrecently. People saying one thing, and then doing/ saying/thinking something totally different. It boggles me to o end as to why people cant stay on one train of thought. There are a few instances of this that I will expound on:

A friend of mine in NYC is dealing with this ‘situation’ (If you know me, you know there’s always going to be a ‘situation’ on the horizon) where a love interest of his is rather hesitant to proceed because of a previous ‘situation’ between his roommate, and my friend. And to add to the confusion, the interest is being rather incommunicable and one sided about the whole situation. While I do commend my friend for ‘keeping hope alive’ and not giving up, I do feel that he’s put forth way too much effort. And of course, he’s getting very little in return.

Also, if you’ve been reading like you should have, you would know that I have meandered myself into a similar situation (which, by the way I need to update you all on) where I was doing everything I could to make my feelings known to a certain person, which turned out to be incredibly pointless. But the best part about this situation is that after my initial outreach, said person said that he ‘didnt want things to change between us’ and that he wanted to ‘keep me around’. Funny how that worked out..

So the main question I’maskingis,how do people like this ever expect to end up in the meaningful relationships that they claim they want, when they put forth no effort to support what they say? Secondly, what makes you think that the hoe shit that you get involved in is ever going to reward you? It will do exactly the opposite. Both the hypocrisyand the talking out of both sides of your mouth are what I classify as ‘hoeshit’, only because it seems extremely deceptive (as if youare totally innocent to begin with)and as if there are no good intentions implied.

 

Categories : 'Vicariosity'