Its hurricane season, but the storms are brewing far from the tropics.
Ive been through a battery of thought processes and as I prepare for bed, they are nowhere near the end. So many thoughts and emotions swim around my curly head and I’m winded just trying to keep up with one. Between my job, my mother, Bryan, my life now, and what’s to come in the future, and the ‘Ignant shit’ I deal with everyday, I shouldve been committed a very long time ago. I’m scared, tired, confused, worried, angry, and the worst part is that I’m not sure where to properly place all of these emotions.
I’m scared of a lot of things at this point in my life. I just turned 23 less than two months ago, and I feel like I’ve lost so much time. I’ve been stuck in Texas for the past 4 years, kicking and screaming to desperately get away. I dont know if there is a reason anymore that I belong here, since the reason I ‘thought’ I was here, no longer is. How will I ever survive in a place that is sucking the life out of me, mentally physically, emotionally, and creatively? I can probably cound on one hand the things I WONT do to get out of this place. I say all of this to say: ‘I’m scared of being unsuccessful’. I have one million and one ideas running through my head daily, and I feel like one of them has to get me to the life I deserve to have. I’m not saying I need to be filthy rich with a penthouse on the Upper East Side.. While that would be lovely, I truly want to just be happy. And while my ideality of happiness is being with someone that I can share happiness with, its not required for the desired effect. On the other hand, that does lead me to my second fear: I’m scared of ending up alone. I’ve been single for as long as I’ve been old enough to count, and that’s now going on eight years. I’ve been through my share of ‘high dramar’ and out of everyone I’ve met, I can only really say that there’s only one person that I can see myself with. And that’s one of the main sources of my anger. I’ve decided that there is really no sense in beating myself up over such a pointless battle. I really just need to let go. But that’s where things get tricky. I cant. I don’t know if its because he’s the first person who could possibly give me all that I needed, or that my emotional needs have taken control of my sense of logic, but it has to stop! And im getting interference from Jonathan, and its really causing a whirlwind of bad feelings, mixed signals, and lot of rage. I’m literally stuck between the past and the future, and can’t see shit in the present.
Speaking of the present…
There has never been a time where I have felt more inadequate in my life. I can’t understand this because I’ve come so far, and done so much in the past few years that its a bit late for the inferiority complex. But I do. Prime example:
A couple of weeks ago, I ran across a really interesting person on Twitter, and we seemed to have a lot in common. And it seems that we have more and more in common every day. But, recently, I’ve been feeling like I still dont ‘match’. And not just with him. With everyone. In the world of black and white, I was magenta. I share plenty of common interests with the people that I know, and somehow, I still feel out of place. If ever there was a way to be ‘too unique’, I was it. This could be me being overly anal, but I think I don’t have enough in common with everyone. I have managed to know alot about a little bit of everything, and that causes me to run out of subject matter on one topic, or have too much in the other. Whatever the case may be, I end up changing circles of friends way too often because im simply put, too multi faceted.
And then there’s the anger.
Lately, I find myself being plagued by Stupid Ass People. For whatever reason, these idiots make my life more of a living hell by doing things that make no sense whatsoever. Or, there are those who seem to have a problem with whatever it is that I do. Why can’t people ever understand that I am human? I have bad days (unfortunately more bad than good recently) and I have the right to drop a few F-Bombs here and there, when I DAMN WELL PLEASE. I am old enough to pay bills, go to work and deal with everyday bullshit, but for me to let off a little steam, the legal way mind you, is inappropriate? And that includes but not limited to, talking shit about people, through my own personal medium and not be persecuted about it. As far as I know, none of that is against the law. (On planet Earth) If you don’t like something I have to say about something, I’m not really sure what to tell you. I’m sorry you feel that way, but there’s not much you can do about it. Everyone is always concerned about what I say or do, but no one ever stops to think about the reasons for my actions. If you get your heads out of your asses long enough to stop trying to censor my every word, you’ll realize that I am a very angry person inside. Its not a a permanent situation, so I’d suggest that you do all you can to help fix the issue, instead of making it worse.
At the end of writing all of this, I think that most of my disfunction comes from overthinking and overanalyzing everything. It could be just a result of being overstimulated without the proper outlets.