Which is nothing new, really. But, I feel my latest thought cycle is very noteworthy.
This is two different ideas, so bare with me.
First– You know someone who complains about their life SO much, it makes you sick? I know a few people like that. Day in and day out, they bellyache about how theyre lonely, have no money, have a bad job, blah blah blah, bore bore bore.. But the irony is, they never do shit about it.
lights cigarette, pours glass of zinfandel
Now, science would argue that this shit is quite backwards. All of this time and energy you invest in going on and on about what you DON’T have can be better used finding and executing a solution.. Let’s try that, shall we? Not only is it wasted energy, its annoying as hell. You don’t realize how depressing that sounds, and you just seem lazy for doing nothing about it.
So, unless you are actually doing something about your situation, stop all your mindless bitching.
I had a conversation with a friend of mine the other day, and he told me that I didn’t know my self worth. From what I gathered, he said this because the subject of the conversation wasn’t the best looking person (in his opinion) and he felt like I was settling because I could do better. At first I began feeling like an ass because I thought he was right.. But after a few more hours of thought, I’ve developed a second outlook.
‘He’s ugly’ was what he said. This makes me think. We all know that we all have different perspectives of beauty. But this goes further than that. Does a person have to be drop dead gorgeous? I mean for the record, the person in question isn’t chiseled from venetian marble, but he’s not a ‘boogawolf’ either. He’s, cute in his own way. And this is perfectly fine with me. I feel like I’m being haunted by the vain monster that I used to be when I was younger. If you didn’t meet EVERYONE’S standard of ‘cute’, I wasn’t interested. I have days of jokes and mean things that have been said about people I’ve met over the years (and I think the worst by far was ‘burn victm’). Not to say I’ll take anything with a face, but I have stopped being so picky. I guess for me, the algorigthm of beauty is of a different formula. I dunno. I’ve always been different.
BUT. (yes, there’s always a but. PAY ATTENTION)
So, if you’ve been reading, as you should be, you’d know that I’ve been a very volatile mental state over the past few months. And you’d know that I just had surgery a week ago. Not saying I’ve been diluted, insane or otherwise mentally unstable. I’ve just been emotionally taxed, and have been feeling very needy. (Bitch, don’t judge me. I told you, I’m not a robot.) Anyway, I’ve just been cracking under the pressure of being alone all the time, not to mention being very stressed, and I think it may have skewed my emotional vision. So, I’m not really sure if this guy is a simply a tentative space filler for this gaping void in my soul.. (although I’m really not thinking that far into it) This is where I wish I was a robot, because then I’d have no emotions to sort though, and guess about. This shit is really for the birds. Either way, I’ve decided to not let it get to me. Shit just happens.
Taps fingers Well, what the HELL is it?
I didn’t think part two would’ve come so quickly, but that’s the spice of life.
After a very productive day of grocery shopping, work and a few other random errands, Andrea, one of my ‘Favorite Girls’, asked me to go out with her, which worked out perfectly because I wanted to go out anyway. We end up at this rather mundane club in the River Oaks part of town, and we weren’t there long enough to even buy a drink. We left after about 20 minutes of being gawked at and met her friends and proceeded to my usual ‘place of business’. This was where the night got interesting.
(Now as I’m en route to the 2nd club, the subject of Part One shows up to the 1st club. Dodge a bullet, only to get hit by a bus.)
I got in and made it to the bar, and couldn’t even sip my long island iced tea, before I see Bryan. While I was a bit rattled by the inital shock of seeing him (and the extremely close hug), I quickly snapped out of it. He wasn’t there alone, either. Before I saw him, I saw the ingrate who I was kind enough to let live with me. He didn’t say shit, neither did I. I acted like he didn’t even exist, and proceeded to the other one. I told Bryan that I’d been trying to reach him for a while, and he told me that his number had changed. (But you didn’t feel the need to notify me? Okay.) We agreed to meet later to exchange numbers and whatever else, and I moved on to find the rest of my party.
Now here comes the fuckery in all of this: Bryan is a very intelligent 26 year old that has plenty going for himself. He obviously has a very inviting presence about himself, especially if he managed to get MY attention, but come on now….
What sense does it make for you (or anyone, for this matter) complain about the people in your life being inadequate and how you need to be surrounded by more productive people, but you constantly are found in the company of the same trash you were with from the beginning? Between the ex who caused you to lose almost everything, and the hoebag who couldn’t even be honest with you about what state he lived in, you should have learned your lesson.
This also leaves alot to be said about going back to your past… but that’s another glass of wine.
I’ve noticed that people have the notorious habit of complaining and complaining about shit that they can very much control or change, but somehow, they allow the story to continue. I complained about the fuckery in my life and got tired of being used and taken for granted back in March. Those people causing me grief are no longer active parts of my daily life. And while I do understand some things take time, you have to actually take steps to improve your situation.
Nevertheless, his loss is my gain. When I saw him I tried to figure out how I was gonna control myself and not spend the whole night under his spell. I’m not the same person I was 6 months ago, and that spell doesn’t work for me anymore. I got his new number, but don’t have any real intention of using it. If you open the door for the dog, the roaches are gonna try to come in too. I think if I allow someone in my life who has such an obvious lack for personal growth, I too will not grow. And this sheds tons of light on why we didnt move forward months ago.
At the end of the night, I left the club with a nice buzz, a great memory with fun people, and a rejuvenated perspective on life. Not only did this allow me to embrace my ‘rule’ about not going backwards, It also supports my new movement to become more comfortable with being alone. It wont necessarily last forever, but I’m still ready for the long haul. There was such a liberating feeling about seeing him last night. I was instantly in a better place, that I’m hoping to be in for a while.
And as for the subject of last week’s crisis (I’m not using names purely out of choice), I have to talk to him, face to face, and soon. Something in my heart tells me this needs to happen. What I’d say? I don’t know. I think that there’s some unfinished business to be discussed. Hell, it could be that I need to forgive him, despite the fact that he lied to me on so many levels. At any rate, I’ll make it a point to have this talk this week.
DISCLAIMER: This is by no means mean to belittle or defame anyone. Just my words, thoughts and opinions as I see it. I still think Bryan is a great person, just not the kind of person that I need in my life right now. I am however, optimistic that he will soon realize that he can do much better, and acts upon the epiphany. (Could it be that in some dark corner of my soul, that I still have feelings? That’s another glass of wine.)
I initially planned on working on my ongoing writing project, but I thought I’d stop and give my readers (all 4 of them) an update of what’s been going on. You can’t really be ‘Vicariously Najah’ if I dont say shit..
So, the month of November was full of some hoe shit, and a bunch of uncalled for bullshit. Lets start with the most foolish of them all:
Najah meets guy, Najah thinks guy is cute, wants to know more. Najah asks friend about guy and starts a dialogue. This goes well, and I am actually amazed. This kid (yes, he’s younger than me in mind and body) seems to have it together. Pre-Law, while holding down a full time job, and being a single dad. Well all that glitters is clearly not gold. While I thought I was gonna have someone to spend Christmas with this year, I thought wrong. After my usual two week run through, I decided to ‘communicate’ about some things that concerned me, and then, POW! I was shut down like a late version of Windows. Motherfucker told me that we were ‘supposed to be just friends’ and ‘someone else had his heart’ and some more shit. but you know I wasn’t believing it. Tell me what you want, but I know and you know what happened. You lead me on and you fucking know it. That explains your tangible guilt and why you said the things you said. But, I digress.
It wasn’t the fact that he pulled a class five foul on me, but more that he couldn’t be honest about your fuckery before he involved me. i asked you way in the beginning if you were single and you told me yes. Now I sit here looking sideways as you told me you were involved elsewhere.
That. Shit. Fucking. Hurts.
But, nevertheless. I will survive (has disco moment). A lesson learned, and I know karma will deal with that ass. My life still goes on and I wake up in the morning knowing the truth, as much as you don’t want to face it.
Moving on to more relevant shit. I went to New Orleans for Thanksgiving. That place makes me feel too many types of ways. My family, friends, my old life. There is so much that makes me angry about New Orleans. You’d think a community that had to overcome a hardship of natural disaster and adversity would come together and stop fucking killing and putting each other down. If you don’t get it, you never will. This is why I don’t claim the city.
I also feel quite saddened that I cant see my family (well the people that I’m actually close to) as often as I want to. My closest cousin has a baby that’s almost 2, andI feel like a stranger to him every time I see him. Well at this rate, he’ll never know who I am. And I almost never see my grandmother, even when I’m there.
I had lunch with two of my favorite girls from high school, Kristen and Monique, and we had a really good time catching up. I’m so proud of Kristen for taking law school by the horns and being great at it. Saw a few other old classmates who are doing just as well.. They aren’t allowing themselves to become statistics of the widespread oppression that is overtaking the city.. THAT is the kind of shit that I like to see when I go back to New Orleans.
In about two weeks, I’ll be having surgery and I’m almost scared shitless. It’s not really a big deal, I just don’t want to feel any pain when it’s all over with. (and that’s all I really want to say about this.)
The Christmas season is upon us and I am not amused. I haven’t been in a ‘Holiday Spirit’ for a few years now. I’ve always spent it alone, so what’s the point? It may seem kinda late, but I’m hoping for a last minute breakthrough that gets me out of this Scroogery. (after that shit that happened last month, I could really use a miracle..)
Aside from that, my life has been the same hellacious fiasco that it usually is. Work is well, work. Too many people in the damn kitchen but nobody wants to cook. It pays the bills. My mother is slowly trying to drive me crazy, but I’m trying to get off at the next stop. I have a mild relapse of the ‘Bee Flu’, but whatever, the bastard changed his number. And I’m still trying to get the hell up outta Texas. Being here makes me feel enslaved.
I just finished my glass, so that must mean that I need to stop writing. But I feel a part two in my spirit. As always your feedback is encouraged.